One of the trends I see when I talk to people is fewer and fewer meaningful relationships. This goes unnoticed in the work place because we may have several surface relationships (relationships that are not over an inch deep) but these do not make up for just a couple of deep life sharing relationships.

I remember as a child growing up in rural Arkansas we ate every Sunday lunch with all of our extended family. We cooked out on holidays and people would quite literally come out of the hills (no my family tree is not a telephone pole). What I am getting at is the days of families living in the same geographical area are over for most people. We do not have close relatives to talk to about what is going on in our lives. We are actually turning inward and shutting out personal relationships altogether. This trend was shown in a study done by Duke University and The University of Arizona. We need to begin to cultivate deeper relationships with like-minded people or maybe even with people we do not completely agree with. Where do we find these people?

I suggest starting at your place of employment. Are there any people who you know very surface level that you have thought you may want to get to know more about? If you are not a talker you may want to buy books on cultivating relationships. One of my favorites is Dr. John C Maxwell’s “25 Ways to Win with People.” This just gives you 25 suggestions to build better relationships.

Second, you could join a group of like-minded people, The Optimist Club, Toastmasters or the Chamber of Commerce in your local area. Maybe you could join a Church or Synagogue. I do not know about synagogues but most churches today offer men’s groups, women’s groups, singles ministries, family and marriage ministries. So they have opportunities for everyone to be part of something. I am starting a men’s mentoring group this fall at my church. I will be doing the same type of coaching I offer my client’s but it will be in a group setting.

My point is this. Take the time to develop deep relationships. You musty make the time. Do not say I will do it tomorrow do it now. You know the saying that tomorrow never will come. Host parties at your house; just do something to get involved with others. I give you this warning, people are still people. None of us are perfect but if you worry about getting hurt you will miss all the happiness as well. Don’t give up because in the end the only thing we really leave behind are the lives we touch.

In his book, Let Your Life Speak Parker Palmer tells about his call to be the president of a college. A quaker tradition is to gather 12 elders together not to give you advice but only to ask you questions. during this time one of the elders asked him this question, “What would you Like most about being a president?” then he said this:

The simplicity of that question loosed me from my head and lowered me into my heart. I remember pondering for at least a full minute before I could respond. Then, very softly and tentatively, I started to speak: “Well, I would not like having to give up my writing and my teaching…. I would not like the politics of the presidency, never knowing who your real friends are…. I would not like having to glad-hand people I do not respect simply because they have money…. I would not…”

Gently but firmly, the person who had posed the question interrupted me: “May I remind you that I asked what you would most like?”

I responded impatiently, “Yes, yes, I’m working my way toward an answer.” Then I resumed my sullen but honest litany. …

Once again the questioner called me back to the original question. But this time I felt compelled to give the only honest answer I possessed, an answer that came from the very bottom of my barrel, an answer that appalled even me as I spoke it.

“Well,” I said, in the smallest voice I possess, “I guess what I’d like most is getting my picture in the paper with the word president under it.”

I was sitting with seasoned Quakers who knew that though my answer was laughable, my mortal soul was clearly at stake! They did not laugh at all but went into a long and serious silence—a silence in which I could only sweat and inwardly groan.

Finally my questioner broke the silence with a question that cracked all of us up—and cracked me open: “Parker,” he said, “can you think of an easier way to get your picture in the paper?”

By then it was obvious, even to me, that my desire to be president had much more to do with my ego than with the ecology of my life—so obvious that when the clearness committee ended, I called the school and withdrew my name from consideration. Had I taken that job, it would have been very bad for me and a disaster for the school.

Get people around you that will encourage you and not tear you down. Make new friends if you need to or connect with ones from your past that have built you up. When you have people you can bounce ideas off of, and get support from, you can do anything.