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Stop Looking For Approval

February 21, 2012 By 2 Comments
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We all want people to like us, and when they give us their nod of approval it makes us feel important.  But I want you to understand that approval may not come.  And if you believe you need it to function, there are times it will never come.  When that happens, you will be disappointed with yourself or mad at them.  And the sad part is, they will never know.

Wanting approval is a natural habit.  We want our parents to approve of us when we are kids, we want our peers to approve of us when we are teens, we want our coworkers to approve of us when we are adults, and many people still wait for their parents approval as adults.  When we try to break this habit, it can be really hard.  My wife’s mother would call her and ask why she hadn’t called in a week or two.  There were several heart-to-heart talks before the issue was resolved, but the relationship flourished when both people knew what the other was thinking.

People aren’t psychic.  No one knows what you are feeling or thinking.  They just can’t.  And if you are holding things in like a good little passive aggressive you’ll just get mad and self-destruct. in our family we try to remind each other of this fact, even the kids. We want each other to understand that if we want something from another person we have to tell them because chances are, The other person doesn’t know .

In the grand scheme of things we all have to remember we don’t need anyones approval but Gods. He is the one we should all want to please and respect. But we also have to realize he’s not waiting out there to catch us doing something wrong so he can disapprove of us.  But, when we try to please people we end up shifting our focus from God. When this happens it can be a downward spiral or a time of growth depending on how you react. We can start becoming someone we aren’t just to get people to like us.

Think about where you are in your relationships?  Do you need to have some conversations with people about your neediness, or their neediness?  Do you need to have a conversation with God about your neediness?

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Do Things Rather Than Have Things

April 7, 2010 By 3 Comments

 

Castillo de San Marco St. Augustine Florida

I heard Bill Bennett  say that a couple of years ago and it has stuck with me.  When we were children we wanted everything we saw. We would beg our parents to buy this or that and many times if they could they would.  Other than the Star Wars toys, I don’t really remember all the things my parents bought me when I was a child.  I do remember going camping, fishing, hunting, and family trips.

As adults many of us have not grown up, I am included in that.  We want everything we see and if we can get it we do.  As a whole we have spent ourselves into a very bad place, and while this is not about our debt it can be applied.  At some point we must shed our childhood ways and begin to think like adults.  We have to stop buying everything in sight for us or our kids. When we focus on getting more stuff we enter the “Rat Race” and begin to live for the stuff, and not live a God centered life.

What will your children remember when they are grown.  Will they remember the time you spent with them or the things you bought them?  Will you be able to spend time with them when you are older or will you have to keep working to pay for your stuff?

I know this is a short post, and maybe I am just talking to myself.  If you have any thoughts on this I would love to hear them.

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Don’t Lose Your Voice – Three Tips For Maintaining Your Edge

March 17, 2010 By Leave a Comment

Do you get pushed to the side because you get caught up doing things not related to your purpose and goals? Don’t lose your voice by getting caught up learning or doing items not related to your calling and gifts.

When I say, “Your Voice” I mean your influence and creativity in your area of expertise. Yes it is nice to be well-rounded, but don’t think you must know everything or do everything. Here are some helpful tips to maintain your voice.

1. Focus on sharpening the skills you are good at. Don’t work on what you are weak at all the time. Improve what you are already good at to become great in that area. Once you are an expert then people will seek you out in that niche environment. Spend at least one; preferably two hour’s minimum reading, listening to tapes or just creating in your niche area. This will greatly improve your voice when people are looking for an expert in your field.

2. Find someone to do the day-to-day stuff. No, I am not saying to hire out all the other aspects of life if you are not fiscally sound. What I am saying is, if you have a friend that is an accountant or ad writer or graphic artist; or whatever your needs are maybe he or she can help you if you are not good in one certain area. You could also find very reliable people to work 1 hour per day for you in larger cities and especially online. This could add time to your efforts to become an expert.

3. Listen to your voice. If you are starting to lose sight of where you were or where you want to be then you are not focusing on what you do well. You know in your heart what it feels like when you are on the creative edge and you know what it feels like when you are dull. Stay sharp and focus on what you do best.

I know it sounds like I am telling you to neglect the business “Stuff” that we all must do. There are items only you can do, but if you are worrying about answering the phone and not developing your gifts don’t answer the phone.  They will either leave a message or call back. Do what you do best and find others to come around you who are the best at what they do and you will  see your gifts take off.

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It’s Not About You

January 27, 2010 By 1 Comment
Children in a Primary Education School in Paris
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I think the moment we realize this fact is the moment we really become mature.  Most people however never grow up enough to see this fact.  We stay out late at night because it is our RIGHT to have fun, but then when it is time to go to work we are groggy and angry so we sleep late and don’t really take time to prepare ourselves for the day.  This causes us to drive like maniacs because we believe it is our RIGHT to drive faster than anyone else on the road.  When we arrive at work we are snappy and short-tempered with our coworkers because it is our RIGHT to have things done our way at our job. 

Many of us bring this attitude home and demand our spouse and kids do things our way because we have worked hard and earned the RIGHT to have our home run the way we prefer.   We spend our life getting angry at people because they don’t do it our way. 

In a church environment you would think this is an easy obstacle to overcome.  It’s not.  Just as many people who go to church throw their temper tantrums because it is their RIGHT to have what they want.  Unlike a job that pays the bills people can just walk away from a church because they have nothing invested in it. 

What Are My RIGHTS?

You have the right to remain silent.  You have the right to an attorney.  You have the right to keep and bear arms.  You have the right to life, liberty, and the PURSUIT of happiness.  No making everybody else miserable is not your way of pursuing happiness.  It is your way of showing how miserable you really are in your own way.    

We have made many things rights that really are not because of our collective “I deserve that” mentality. 

What Is It About?

It’s about other people.  It’s about thinking about how you can help when you go to your job.  Who can you impact by caring about them, and meeting their needs at work.  It’s about taking the time to ask your spouse how you can help. Ask your children how their day was then help them with their home work.  If you go to a place of worship then don’t ask what’s in it for me.  Look around and see where you can help.

Let yourself be changed by caring for others needs and stop trying to get what you want in every situation.  Maturity is caring about others all the time not just when catastrophes happen. We need more mature people in this world  Take time to become a mature person today.

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Personal Success – Without Relationships We Have No True Success

January 20, 2010 By Leave a Comment
The Chinese Garden of Friendship, Sydney
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One of the trends I see when I talk to people is fewer and fewer meaningful relationships. This goes unnoticed in the work place because we may have several surface relationships (relationships that are not over an inch deep) but these do not make up for just a couple of deep life sharing relationships.

I remember as a child growing up in rural Arkansas we ate every Sunday lunch with all of our extended family. We cooked out on holidays and people would quite literally come out of the hills (no my family tree is not a telephone pole). What I am getting at is the days of families living in the same geographical area are over for most people. We do not have close relatives to talk to about what is going on in our lives. We are actually turning inward and shutting out personal relationships altogether. This trend was shown in a study done by Duke University and The University of Arizona. We need to begin to cultivate deeper relationships with like-minded people or maybe even with people we do not completely agree with. Where do we find these people?

I suggest starting at your place of employment. Are there any people who you know very surface level that you have thought you may want to get to know more about? If you are not a talker you may want to buy books on cultivating relationships. One of my favorites is Dr. John C Maxwell’s “25 Ways to Win with People.” This just gives you 25 suggestions to build better relationships.

Second, you could join a group of like-minded people, The Optimist Club, Toastmasters or the Chamber of Commerce in your local area. Maybe you could join a Church or Synagogue. I do not know about synagogues but most churches today offer men’s groups, women’s groups, singles ministries, family and marriage ministries. So they have opportunities for everyone to be part of something. I am starting a men’s mentoring group this fall at my church. I will be doing the same type of coaching I offer my client’s but it will be in a group setting.

My point is this. Take the time to develop deep relationships. You musty make the time. Do not say I will do it tomorrow do it now. You know the saying that tomorrow never will come. Host parties at your house; just do something to get involved with others. I give you this warning, people are still people. None of us are perfect but if you worry about getting hurt you will miss all the happiness as well. Don’t give up because in the end the only thing we really leave behind are the lives we touch.

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